What I Really Want For Mother’s Day. Alternatively Titled: I Have a Two-Year-Old.

Last year, I wrote this post about what I wanted for Mother’s Day. Included, but not limited to: All of the sleep, a Frankenstein body situation (with my pre-baby body, my post-baby hips, and my newborn-days boobs), length-changing hair, and a new magical substance that both kept me awake but chilled me the heck out. Spoiler alert, I never got these things and they’re all still on my list.

I thought it’d be fun to revisit this a year later, now that Jack is a year older, and see what I have to add to this list. 

A translator. I was just talking to Michelle this week saying I had some questions for Jesus, starting with WHY do toddlers have all the feelings and emotions before they can talk and tell you what they need? A translator would be able to tell me that even though he’s screaming at me and pointing at his milk in the kitchen, his “words” are telling me that he wants me to go get his toy that is too far under his bed for him to reach. Silly me. 

All of the energy. All. Of. It. This is different than all of the coffee, because the amount of energy needed to even sort of keep up with a two-year-old is something that not even my beloved coffee can touch. 

Magical carpets that deep clean themselves every night when I go to sleep. It feels like I am scrubbing my carpet every day for some reason or another, and it definitely feels like that scrubbing only touches the surface. I’m legitimately scared about what might be under there at this point. 

A clone of myself. Second Chelsea, if you will. When we go to the pool, she can watch Jack while I read a book. When Jack is so clingy that even throwing a load of towels in the washer is a mission, she can take care of the laundry while I hold him. When he takes a nap, I can take a bath while she cooks dinner. 

An unlimited skincare budget. Things that are bad for your skin include: Smoking, drinking, junk food, and, worst of all, living with a two-year-old. 

A chef. Also probably going to need them to be a mythical creature, because I need them to cook a dinner every night that somehow is toddler-friendly but also packed with nutrients for Jack but also healthy for me but also filling enough that I won’t be grazing in my pantry at 11:00 that night. So, definitely a mythical creature. A magic chef. 

Happy Mother’s Day. Don’t forget to remind the mom’s in your life that they’re superheroes. And if you know any magic chef’s, send them my way.