Finding Childcare: A Step-by-Step Horror Story.

Step 1: Wait entirely too long to admit that yes, you probably do need some childcare help. It’s probably not the best thing for your mental health to never not be taking care of a toddler, and your job is probably going to fire you if your kid doesn’t stop banging on the office door during staff meetings. Start looking for part-time daycares.

Step 2: Realize that no one gives any info out over the phone. If you want to know the secrets (like, how much does this cost?) you’re gonna have to tour these places. Set up some tours. 

Step 3: Dress in your most “Professional mom with v cool toddler you’d be lucky to have” outfit. Text picture to no less than three people to get approval. 

Step 4: Show up for daycare tour. Realize very quickly that this is maybe not the best place when you see there are garbage bags lining the hall, leaking onto the floor. When the director turns and screams down the hall for an employee to clean it up, and the employee screams back that she will not be touching that sh*t, you know this is not the place for you. 

Step 5: Since you are polite, decide to finish the tour. This is a mistake. When you open the classroom door, a cockroach falls off of the door and onto your face. You scream, brush it onto the floor, and look to the daycare director for some sort of reassurance. Instead, she watches as it crawls over to a sleeping toddler, right onto his blanket, and says, “Oh. That’s gross.” When she asks if you’re interested in full time or part time, you pause, trying to think of a nice way to say, “I just watched you let a roach crawl onto a toddler, so no thank you.” But you take too long, and she snaps her fingers in your face and says, “I’m not a f*cking mind reader. Speak up.” So you feel like the polite explanation is no longer needed. BYE. 

Step 6: Make more tour appointments. Find the perfect daycare. Cry in your car when you find out they don’t offer part-time. 

Step 7: Decide to try for a nanny. You join care.com and are pleased by how many applications immediately come in. 

Step 8: Skip from pleased to overwhelmed. 

Step 9: Your first interview! Oh, it’s bad. So bad. 

You: I see you’re CPR certified! That’s great! 

Her: Oh, I’m actually not. I just say that to get interviews. 

Step 10: Repeat a few times. A few notables: The girl who “really can’t tell you” what hours she would be able to work, the girl who would definitely not be okay watching your kid if you were in the house, and the girl who just refuses to leave after the interview is over. 

Step 11: Fall in LOVE with a nanny. Who, of course, charges almost double what you want to pay. Try to negotiate. Fail. Tell yourself it’s worth it and you’re going to hire her. Decide to look her up on social media on a whim. 

Step 12: Panic.

 

Step 13: Remind yourself not to judge. 

Step 14: OKAY BUT THAT’S COCAINE IN THE BACKGROUND SO

Step 15: The morning after a horrible natural disaster, when the entire city is without power, receive text from said-nanny. Hope you survived the hurricane! Still wanna hire me or nah? 

OR, you could skip steps 1-15 and go straight for Step 16: Pour yourself a glass of wine and cry about it. 

PS: Since writing this, I have found the BEST nanny. She is wonderful and Jack loves her. So don’t stay stuck on step 16 for toooooo long.