What I Really Want For Mother’s Day. Alternatively Titled: I Have a Toddler.

In magazines, blog posts, and advertisements on Facebook, I keep seeing Mother’s Day gift guides pop up. They’re pretty, usually pink, and full of things like expensive candles and body scrub. And obviously the people writing these are doing a good job, because I’m a mom, and I nod along and think, yes, yes I do want that. 

But, since I am a mom, and Mother’s Day gift guides are for people buying gifts for moms, I thought I’d give you a little inside peek on what I really want for Mother’s Day. 

Sleep. All of the sleep. Seriously, all of it. I cannot stress this enough. I don’t mean I want a nap or to sleep in on Sunday, I want all. of. the. sleep. So if you could just pack up a few of your extra hours and wrap them up with a bow, that’s what I want. 

Coffee. All of it. There could be a river of coffee flowing straight through my house and it still would not be enough lately. I need it all. Like this, but with coffee: 

My pre-baby body. Actually, if we’re getting technical, here’s what I really want: My pre-baby body, my post-baby hips, and my newborn days boobs, because hot DANG those were nice. So basically I want like a Frankenstein kind of situation. Is that too much to ask for? 

A magical new caffeine source. Something stronger than coffee, but not quite illegal drug status, ya feel? I would like it to leave me wide awake but also feeling as if I’d taken a mild sedative. I’d like zero shakes, 100% awareness, and also the ability to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. So like a coffee-wine hybrid, but way better. Again with the Frankenstein gifts, I guess.

A glam squad. If by some chance, I am unable to be gifted all of the sleep and all of the coffee, I will settle for this. A group of people to follow me around, who’s sole purpose in life is to make it look like I’ve had all the sleep and coffee in the whole wide world. 

Length-changing hair. I want the mom chop because it’s easy and because you don’t know what pain is until your kid rips out a handful of your hair while you’re half-asleep. But also I want long hair because top knots are the easiest. But also I want short hair because I don’t want to wear my hair in a top knot every day and look like a slob. Can someone please fix this cycle? It’s Mother’s Day and I AM A MOTHER. 

Okay, okay, this is getting a bit excessive and I don’t want to come across as greedy. I am so blessed to be a mom, and truly, I don’t need all of this. 

I’ll just settle for that Frankenstein bod.