10 Things People Told Me About Having A Baby That Were Lies.

When you’re having a baby, you get a lot of advice. You also get told a lot of “facts” about life once your baby gets here. Some things you just smile and hope beyond hope that whatever someone told you isn’t actually true, and some things you cling to like the actual truth itself. 

Obviously, things are different for everyone, but here are ten “facts” people told me about having a baby that were just complete lies for me. 

They start sleeping much better at six-weeks-old. 

See also: Eight-weeks-old, twelve-weeks-old, etc. See also: They sleep better once they can have rice cereal, they sleep better once they start eating solids, etc. ALL. LIES. 

If you breastfeed, all the weight you gained during pregnancy will just fall off.

The magic weight-loss breastfeeding fairy did not visit me. But do you know who did? Her evil step-sister, the weight-gaining fairy witch. 

Cocoa butter prevents stretch marks.

I was so sick throughout my whole entire pregnancy and just the smell of most things made me puke. But still, I loyally slathered myself up with cocoa butter every. single. night. Still got stretch marks. Still can’t smell cocoa butter without feeling nauseous. 

Bonus: Something else no one told me: My stretch marks didn’t show up until after I had the baby. The more weight I lost, the more marks showed up. Super fun.

Babies don’t really need any stuff. 

To be fair, this advice mostly came from my minimalist friends or much older women. Your baby just needs a few outfits, some diapers, and you! Lies. Lies lies lies. Sure, your baby doesn’t need a hundred toys. But some things are called “must-haves” because they are exactly that. I can only think of one thing we received at our baby shower that we never used. And we ended up buying many more things once Jack was born. Bottom line: Your baby is gonna need some stuff. 

Parenting comes naturally.

It feels natural now. It did not feel natural at first. So I don’t think it just comes naturally, I think you figure out what you have to do and over time, that starts to feel natural. The first time I took Jack somewhere by myself, I felt clumsy and awkward undoing the stroller, packing his diaper bag, making sure he was okay. Now, I can balance a stroller and a bag and a baby and all his stuff and my stuff and whatever it is we’re going out for like it’s nothing. 

You can sleep when the baby sleeps. 

Unless you are able to fall asleep at any given moment and then wake yourself up 8 minutes later when the baby has decided he actually didn’t want to nap, this doesn’t work. And even if you’re one of those who can, well, most of the time you’re going to have to do other things during those eight-minute stretches. Like eat, or shower.

Your instincts are always right.

My “instincts” told me to not give Jack any formula and that if I just kept trying to breastfeed, eventually he would start getting enough nutrition (false). And do you know how many times my “instincts” have told me that I needed to bust into his room during naptime because I needed to check if he was breathing? Too many. Maybe my instincts just sucked at first, or maybe we sometimes get new-mom-instincts confused with new-mom-anxiety. 

Nothing changes. Your life is still your life, you just added a baby to it. 

Ha. Ha ha. HA HA HA. 

Of course, this is still my life and I am still me, but literally everything changes. In the very best way. 

Your baby needs a strict schedule.

We took Jack all over the place when he was just weeks old. He went shopping, out to eat, to the park, on walks..never on a schedule. I totally credit this for the reason why he’s so chill now and can nap anywhere, no matter where we take him. 

I’m almost afraid to type this here, because I know it’s a bit controversial, but Jack doesn’t have a bedtime. I wait until he’s rubbing his eyes and fussing, or falling asleep crawling around (adorable), and then I put him down. He didn’t start sleeping through the night until I started doing this. It actually makes sense to me..if you were hanging out at 7:30 and were made to go to bed immediately, could you instantly fall asleep? Probably not. (Even if you were slathered in lavender and all the lights were dimmed and I had been talking to you in soothing tones). 

Parenthood isn’t really rewarding and fun until your baby is two or three.

Guys. Jack is ten months old, and this has been the most rewarding and most fun ten months of my entire life. I can only imagine how much more fun it gets as he begins to be able to talk, but man is life good right now. 

Do any of these sound familiar to you?